I recently, um, acquired, a copy of the first ever episode of Late Night with Conan O’Brien. From way back in 1993. The guests were John Goodman, Drew Barrymore, and Tony Randall. There was a part of the interview with Tony Randall that really stuck out to me after seeing a transcript of the Jay Leno and Oprah interview yesterday. I can’t show you a clip because it will be blocked by YouTube. But I have a still shot from the video and a transcript of about a 2 minute section of the show.
Conan: I feel like I’m being taken to the woodshed. The talk show woodshed. How are you enjoying the show so far? I’m bobbin, I’m weavin, I’m in there, I’m trying, huh?
T. Randall: Well, I, I, I thought the leg wrestling was clever. (applause) I just said to myself, as I’m sure everyone in America did, if I had a talk show that’s what I’d put on alright.
Conan: It amuses me. I, uh…
T. Randall: That’s all you have to do.
Conan: That’s all I have to do?
T. Randall: No, uh. That’s that’s, uh, the highest form of art. When you pander to your audience that’s no good.
Conan: Though a little pandering…
T. Randall: No, no. Not even a little. You must stick by your conscience, artistic conscience, such as it is (audience laughter) and do what amuses you.
Conan: So, the leg wrestling’s good.
T. Randall: I’d keep it in. I’d have it every night. Yeah. And then you could have every sort of variation on it.
Conan. Mmm hmm.
T. Randall: Nude leg wrestling!
Conan: Sure (pulls out a pen)
T. Randall: Write it down, yeah.
Conan: (writing) Nude, there you go. You can’t get anything past me. How do you like the set?
T. Randall: I like it, I like it…
Conan: Could be tidier though right?
T. Randall: Um, no. (audience laughter) I think any set with a picture of Joe Franklin on it (pointing to picture on wall) is really…
Conan: I believe in that. I believe in the things that I believe in.
T. Randall: You see there, you’re sticking by your guns.
Conan: I am.
T. Randall: You’re, you’re doing what you believe in and you’re bound to succeed.
Conan: You think?
T. Randall: Yeah. I know it.
Conan: Let’s all give me a big hand. (Tony and audience applause.) No! No! No! We’ll be right back. Thank you. We’ll be right back. This is not good. Thank you.
Let’s contrast that advice from Tony Randall with something Jay Leno said about his comedy style during his Oprah interview.
WINFREY: When you go back to the “The Tonight Show” do you think about rebuilding that audience and how you’re going to do that?
Mr. LENO: Very much so. Yeah, very much so. It’s on my mind every day.
WINFREY: Yes. And how will you do that?
Mr. LENO: I think you do it by doing the work. You find out what the elements are that worked on the show and you try to bring those elements to it. But it’s really the idea of servicing the audience. You know, the reason I work a lot around the road is you tell a joke, if a joke works in Boston and Oklahoma City and Des Moines, Iowa, and L.A., it will work on TV. I would never call President Bush dumb. I would always say, “You know, I like President Bush. I don’t think he understands the situation.” And then you do the zinger joke. And then I would watch other comedians go out and go, “You know, President Bush is a big jerk.” Well, now you’ve lost half the crowd just by being disrespectful and it’s a matter of that fine balance.
I don’t know about you, but that sounds a lot like pandering to me. He doesn’t care about the art and craft of comedy half as much as he cares about being popular.
On the one hand, I love all that Leno has done for my family, and especially my dad. He has given my dad experiences and gifts that no one else on earth could. But the more he opens his mouth about this whole thing, the less I can defend him.
1 Kings 3:16-28
One day two women came to King Solomon, and one of them said: Your Majesty, this woman and I live in the same house. Not long ago my baby was born at home, and three days later her baby was born. Nobody else was there with us.
One night while we were all asleep, she rolled over on her baby, and he died. Then while I was still asleep, she got up and took my son out of my bed. She put him in her bed, then she put her dead baby next to me.
In the morning when I got up to feed my son, I saw that he was dead. But when I looked at him in the light, I knew he wasn’t my son.
“No!” the other woman shouted. “He was your son. My baby is alive!”
“The dead baby is yours,” the first woman yelled. “Mine is alive!”
They argued back and forth in front of Solomon, until finally he said, “Both of you say this live baby is yours. Someone bring me a sword.”
A sword was brought, and Solomon ordered, “Cut the baby in half! That way each of you can have part of him.”
“Please don’t kill my son,” the baby’s mother screamed. “Your Majesty, I love him very much, but give him to her. Just don’t kill him.”
The other woman shouted, “Go ahead and cut him in half. Then neither of us will have the baby.”
Solomon said, “Don’t kill the baby.” Then he pointed to the first woman, “She is his real mother. Give the baby to her.”
Everyone in Israel was amazed when they heard how Solomon had made his decision. They realized that God had given him wisdom to judge fairly.
How do we know that Solomon was wise? He could interpret these womens’ motivations and knew that the one who wanted the baby to live, and would rather see it in someone else’s hands than dead is the true mother.
Jay Leno’s show at 10:00 died. He and Conan both wanted to be the host of The Tonight Show. Jeff Zucker, offered to cut the show in half, shifting it to 12:05 and giving the first half of the Tonight Show timeslot to Leno. Jay said, “Fine cut it in half.” Conan said, “Don’t kill The Tonight Show. Give it to him.” How do we know that Jeff Zucker is an idiot? Rather than giving it to the most worthy and true host, the one who loved the show enough to give it up, he gave it to the thief.
Conan is better off without NBC and I’m sure that he will find a new show somewhere else. I am impressed by his integrity and in my mind he is the true host of The Tonight Show.
Johnny Carson died January 23, 2005. The Tonight Show died exactly 5 years later, when Conan’s last episode finished at 12:35am January 23, 2010.
NBC wanted to have it all. They wanted to keep Conan, and in order to do that, they had to give him The Tonight Show. They also wanted to keep Jay. In order to do that, they had to give him The Tonight Show. Do we see the conflict here? Jeff Zucker didn’t. Back in 2004 they were desperate for Conan not to go to another network. So they promised him The Tonight Show. Then when they gave it to him in 2009, Leno was doing well, so they didn’t want to lose him. What is a brainless executive to do? Give them both contracts. Make Jay stay at NBC by threatening to impose a non-competition clause if he doesn’t. Cause if Jay leaves, he’s going to another network, which equals competition. They were afraid Conan couldn’t stand up to Jay as competition. So they forced Jay into a crappy prime time show. (And I do believe him when he says they forced it on him.)
So if they didn’t want Jay to leave in 2009, why give Conan The Tonight Show at all? Cause they had a contract that they would give it to him and they thought they could double their money by keeping both of them. They could give Conan the show he wanted, but make sure that Jay couldn’t wander off to Fox or anything.
The problem is, this whole thing is a little like Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog. Not to give away too much, but when your two greatest desires are diametrically opposed, you will inevitably have to lose one of them.
When they finally realized that they were going to lose one of them, they picked the wrong one. I fully believe that this is because Jeff Zucker has a long history of hating Conan O’Brien. He may have even known that he was going to screw him over back in 2004. I wouldn’t put it past him.
Jay’s mistakes:
Jay is of the generation that just does whatever their boss says, and sees ass-kissing as a key job skill. People of my generation will never understand how someone with enough money to survive without a job would ever bend over and take it from Jeff Zucker just to keep that job. We only do that level of ass kissing because we have to in order to pay our rent.
Jay’s boss is an idiot, and when he acts like an idiot, humoring him does not help anyone in the long run. When your boss is a moron, you don’t just go along with the moron ideas and claim that you were just following orders later. Have a spine. Go over the boss’ head and complain to his boss. Do what you have to do for justice.
Jay’s key mistake was something he takes pride in. He is proud of the fact that he doesn’t have agents and managers and publicists. The sad fact is that there is a reason that those people exist. Times like this are the reason. A PR manager could have stepped in and told him that by accepting The Tonight Show back, he looks like a back-stabbing hypocrite. I think that he naively thought that he did what anyone would do. Managers could have warned him about how it was going to play with the young people.
Conan’s mistakes:
Well, just the one. His biggest mistake was not accepting an offer from another network back in 2004. The one thing he should have learned at Harvard is that Jeff Zucker can’t be trusted.
So now Conan will hopefully get an offer from another network. And NBC will lose money. They have lost a huge chunk of their audience because now a lot of people (at least the 556,000 in one facebook group) will boycott NBC and refuse to watch Leno. Leno looks like a back-stabbing hypocrite (whether he is one or not). NBC has lost more respect, because we all got to see a clear demonstration that Jeff Zucker has a brain like Machiavelli mated with a banana slug.
Anyway, I have written to Fox and promised them that if they sign Conan, I will officially finally forgive them for cancelling Firefly and Futurama.
Anyone know where I can get a can of Torgo’s Executive Powder?
In another time stream, in an alternate universe, NBC is not run by drunken hobo orangutans. In that universe, lets look at The Tonight Show.
In 2004, they wanted to keep Conan O’Brien so they made a deal with Jay Leno, and offered Conan The Tonight Show. Jay agreed to it. Let’s watch the video of Jay announcing this decision:
So, 2009 came along and Conan was given The Tonight Show. His crew moved to California and they were very happy at 11:35.
What happened to Jay Leno? NBC wisely told him that another daily comedy variety show would be foolish. Instead, they offered him a chance to do what he loves. He is given a one hour weekly car show on NBC. It is like the US version of Top Gear. He gets to be on TV in front of a live audience. He gets to play with cars. And best of all, he leaves Conan O’Brien alone, like he promised in 2004.
In that universe, they all lived happily ever after. Jay and Conan both got to be popular in their own niche. No hard feelings anywhere, and NBC had two hit shows and didn’t have to pay severance pay to anyone. Wouldn’t it be nice to visit that universe?
My ideas for Conan O’Brien, now that he’s saying goodbye to NBC:
Move to Finland. Broadcast over the internet. Conan is already a hero there, and it would bring more tourism to Finland.
Instead of taking a payoff, offer to wrestle Jay Leno for the Tonight Show. Conan has the height advantage. And if they could tag team, I think Conan could get Mr. T on his side.
Go back to writing for The Simpsons. They could use the help.
Move to FOX, but NEVER EVER invite Joss Whedon on your show. FOX cancels everything that man touches.
Move to the Food Network. I know your show has nothing to do with cooking, but neither does “Semi-Homemade” with Sandra Lee.
Jay Leno is a friend of my family. Like, my dad has Jay’s cell phone number (and no you can’t have it). My parents spent their last anniversary with him. He’s an awesome guy and he couldn’t be nicer. However, I am very strongly pro-Conan. Five years ago Jay said that he was going to step down from The Tonight Show in order to avoid a big dramafest like there was when he got the job over Letterman so many years ago. Now NBC is crapping all over that. Conan has put in his time and he was rightfully given the helm of The Tonight Show. Trying to move The Tonight Show to 12:05 is just crap. Wherever Conan ends up, I hope I can still watch him. You know, legally on tv. Not in a creepy way like through binoculars.
I am a Christian and I really want to follow Jesus’ example and love everyone. However, every time Pat Robertson opens his mouth I fantasize about the painful ways I’d like him to die. If he ever was a Christian, I see no remaining evidence of it. It offends me to the core when he tries to claim to be a representative of God. I don’t know what god he represents, but it isn’t the one in the Bible.
