Aimless
At the moment, I'm feeling very directionless. I don't like living where I am. I'm far outside the city, in a very white trash suburb. We live almost an hour outside the city, but at the same time live so close to all our neighbors that we have no privacy. So it's all the disadvantages of a suburb, combined with all the disadvantages of the inner city.
I don't know where I want to live. I miss Seattle, but I don't think I'll ever be able to live there again. It's looking more and more like I'm stuck in the UK. I don't know if there is anyplace in this country that I would like living.
I don't know what I want to do for a living. My current job is okay, but it's only a one year contract. And besides that, I was sitting in a meeting today, and halfway through I was struck with a panicky certainty that I just don't belong in a cubicle. The thought of dealing with the structure of an office environment for the next 35 years literally makes me suicidal. If I'm going to spend half of my waking hours for the rest of my life in an office, I just don't see a point to continuing it. I don't fit there.
Truth is, I don't fit anywhere. I have no useful skills. I'm too much of an artist to work in an office, but not enough of an artist to actually make a living at it.
Right now, between not knowing what to do and not knowing where to go, pretty much the only time I'm not frustrated and depressed is when I'm asleep. Maybe I could be a good coma patient.
Alana
