Things about childbirth
I've learned some interesting things about childbirth at my new job.
One thing I've learned is that a lot of things can rupture and lacerate and bleed and explode when you're giving birth. But those things usually aren't too bad, or people would not have a bunch of kids.
People really do accidentally give birth at home. Sometimes into the toilet.
If you write a detailed "birth plan" and specify things like, "avoid using forceps" and "no episiotomy unless an emergency" and "I wish to use the birthing pool", that's almost a guarantee that you'll need a forceps delivery with a big old episiotomy in an operating theater. I've never ever seen a birth follow the detailed hippy "birth plans" that the parents write. In fact, I believe that God likes to assert his power over creation in births. Whenever parents make detailed plans about how it is supposed to go, God steps in to cause some obstruction of labor requiring forceps or a c-section just to show the parents that He is in control of life, not them. So don't ever try to plan ahead for a birth and micro-manage your delivery. It never works, and you're just begging for an emergency c-section.
Meconium is gross.
Try not to give birth during pre-eclampsia week. I had never seen a pre-eclampsia case in the first 3 weeks working here, and then I got 7 in one day, all from the same week.
I don't like hippies.
Using a birthing pool sounds like a nice idea until you remember that one of the last stages before the baby comes out is "rectal pressure". You will poop in the pool, and then they'll have to drag you out of the pool quickly so that the baby doesn't get cholera from swimming through your poo. Just say no to birthing pools.
